This is what hell must be like

I am hesitant to write anything about my mom and how sick she is and how this has all made me feel. I don’t know why really, except maybe fear of “jinxing” things. Which seems silly, but I don’t want to take any chances. Things have been such a roller coaster of ups and downs that I don’t want to get excited about any one development or let any setback get to me too much (fat chance of that, but I’m trying). I was super excited about her coming off the ventilator, but then she developed a blood clot in her leg. She is acting slightly more awake as they scale back on the pain meds, but she is not yet able to follow any commands other than “Look over here.” Her white blood count is coming down, but she is having some issues with her kidneys. For every step forward, it feels like there is also a step back. It is nothing short of a living nightmare, and I don’t say that to be dramatic. Over the course of two weeks I went from having conversations with my Mom about baby names for my (still hypothetical) second child to looking into the vacant eyes of a woman on a ventilator and feeding tube. Sometimes I still think I will wake up and none of it will be real. Or maybe I just wish for that. I am clinging to the doctor’s words – I see no reason she won’t recover from this, I just don’t know how long it will take – like a life preserver in a hurricane. Patience is not a virtue I possess, but as long as the ultimate outcome is her getting better I will wait as long as it takes. Because the alternative is simply too horrific to imagine.